A visualization of the link between the surface (hard) and deep (soft) emotions of each partner. Helps the move from blame to understanding.
Step-by-step guide
- Draw two "icebergs" — one for each partner
- Above the water — the hard emotions: anger, criticism, silence, sarcasm
- Below the water — the soft: pain, fear, loneliness, helplessness
- Ask each one to fill in their iceberg: "What does the partner see? And what is really there?"
- Exchange: each one shows their iceberg to the other
- Discuss: "What is new in what you saw?"
When to use
- At the start of work with empathic joining
- When the couple is stuck in blame
Key phrases
What does the partner see? And what is really there?
Follow-up questions
Above the water — the hard emotions. Below the water — the soft.
Show your iceberg to your partner.
What is new in what you saw?
Warnings
- ⚠️ If a partner finds it hard to identify the soft emotions — that is normal
- ⚠️ Help with prompts, do not push
Source: Jacobson, N. & Christensen, A. (1996)
Materials are informational and educational and summarize publicly available scientific sources. They are not medical or psychological advice, are not intended for self-diagnosis or self-treatment, and do not replace consultation with a qualified professional.