Helping the partners move from hard emotions (anger, criticism) to soft ones (pain, fear, loneliness). When one expresses vulnerability and the other hears it — emotional joining happens.
Step-by-step guide
- Notice the hard emotion (anger, blame, withdrawal) in one of the partners
- Gently ask: "What stands behind this anger? What do you feel deeper?"
- Help to express the soft feeling: "It seems to me that pain stands behind this."
- Address the second partner: "Do you hear what they are saying? How is it for you?"
- Help the second partner respond to the vulnerability, not to the surface attack
- Reflect: "You both want closeness, but the ways you try to get it pull you apart"
When to use
- When blame or withdrawal appears in session
- When the partners speak "about" each other, not "with" each other
Key phrases
What stands behind this anger? What do you feel deeper?
Follow-up questions
It seems to me that pain stands behind this.
Do you hear what they are saying? How is it for you?
You both want closeness, but the ways you try to get it pull you apart.
Warnings
- ⚠️ Do not force vulnerability — if the partner is not ready, respect that
- ⚠️ Unsafe disclosure is worse than none
Source: Jacobson, N. & Christensen, A. (1996); Christensen et al. (2004)
Materials are informational and educational and summarize publicly available scientific sources. They are not medical or psychological advice, are not intended for self-diagnosis or self-treatment, and do not replace consultation with a qualified professional.