Identifying the four destructive patterns of communication (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling) and training the couple to recognize them.
Step-by-step guide
- Ask the couple to describe a typical argument: "What usually happens? Who starts?"
- Observe the interaction in real time — mark the horsemen
- Name each horseman — without blame: "That sounded like criticism"
- Explain the difference: criticism vs complaint, defensiveness vs responsibility
- Show the antidote for each horseman
- Offer an exercise: notice and name the horseman at home
When to use
- Early in therapy for diagnosis
- Whenever horsemen appear in session
Key phrases
There are four patterns that predict divorce with unnerving accuracy — criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling. We're going to learn to spot them in real time, not to blame each other, but so we have something to interrupt.
Follow-up questions
Which horseman shows up most in your arguments?
Which one hurts the most to be on the receiving end of?
When is criticism closer to complaint — and when does it cross the line?
What would the antidote look like next time?
Alternative phrasings
Think of the horsemen as traffic signs, not character verdicts.
Naming the horseman out loud is half the intervention.
Warnings
- ⚠️ Contempt is the most dangerous signal. If it is prominent, work with the culture of appreciation first of all.
Source: Gottman J. 1994 — Why Marriages Succeed or Fail; Gottman J. 1999
Materials are informational and educational and summarize publicly available scientific sources. They are not medical or psychological advice, are not intended for self-diagnosis or self-treatment, and do not replace consultation with a qualified professional.