Identifying and naming the couple's repeating pattern of interaction: who pursues, who withdraws, how each reinforces the other's reaction. The cycle becomes the shared "enemy".
Step-by-step guide
- Ask the couple to describe a typical fight: "What happens? Who starts? What does the other do?"
- Watch the interaction in session — the cycle often shows itself in real time
- Describe the cycle objectively: "When A does X, B feels Y and does Z, which makes A."
- Identify the roles: who pursues (criticizes, demands), who withdraws (falls silent, walks away)
- Name the cycle: "This is your negative dance. It is the enemy, not the partner"
- Check: "Recognize it? Is this what happens at home?"
When to use
- At the start of therapy (steps 1–2)
- Every time the cycle appears in session
Key phrases
What happens? Who starts? What does the other do?
Follow-up questions
When A does X, B feels Y and does Z, which makes A.
This is your negative dance. It is the enemy, not the partner.
Recognize it? Is this what happens at home?
Warnings
- ⚠️ Avoid an accusatory tone. Both partners are victims of the cycle, not its creators
Source: Johnson, S. (2004). The Practice of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy
Materials are informational and educational and summarize publicly available scientific sources. They are not medical or psychological advice, are not intended for self-diagnosis or self-treatment, and do not replace consultation with a qualified professional.