A question that shifts attention from the client's own perception to the perception of another person. "How do you see yourself now?" turns into "And how does your wife see this?" This widens the perspective and often opens new possibilities.
Step-by-step guide
- The client has described a relationship problem ("We are constantly in conflict")
- After the work on the Miracle Question and the scale, ask about the other person
- "Where would your wife place you on this scale?"
- "What would she notice if you moved up by one point?"
- "How would she know that the miracle has happened?"
When to use
- When working with problems in relationships, family, a team
- Family therapy — work with triangles (often a third family member hides the essence of the problem)
- Couple therapy — when partners see the problem differently
- Work with parents and children — divergence in perception
- Work conflicts — different sides' views
Key phrases
On this same scale, where does your [husband/wife/child/colleague] see you?
What would he/she notice if the miracle happened?
How would he/she understand that you moved up by one point?
Follow-up questions
What from our conversation would surprise him/her the most?
If I asked him/her now, what would he/she say about your relationship?
Alternative phrasings
If I asked your son what would change about his parents if the miracle happened — what would he answer?
On this same scale, how does your child see you? Where does the child see themselves?
Where does your boss see you on this scale? Your colleague?
What part of this problem do you take on yourself? What part — he/she?
Warnings
- ⚠️ Do not use it for criticism: "Your wife probably sees you at zero" — would be hurtful. Instead: "What would she notice if you moved up?"
- ⚠️ Be careful in conflict — sides may close off if they feel they are not being seen
- ⚠️ Do not shift responsibility — "See, your wife is right and you are wrong" — that is not SFBT
Source: de Shazer, developed in family therapy work
Materials are informational and educational and summarize publicly available scientific sources. They are not medical or psychological advice, are not intended for self-diagnosis or self-treatment, and do not replace consultation with a qualified professional.