A deliberate increase in positive interactions within the couple to reach a steady ratio of five positives to one negative.
Step-by-step guide
- Explain the finding: stable couples — 5:1, divorcing couples — 0.8:1
- Help the couple estimate the current ratio: how much positive? How much negative?
- Identify the sources of positive: humor, interest, support, gratitude, physical contact
- Build a "list of small things": what delights each? What takes minimal effort?
- Assignment: 5 small positive actions a day (not grand — small)
- A week later, discuss: what changed? What did the partner notice?
When to use
- When negativity dominates the couple
- As a basis for any other work
Key phrases
We are not trying to avoid fighting — we are trying to outnumber the fights with small positives. Five a day, each. Not grand gestures. A text, a touch, a thank-you. The bank works on the small stuff.
Follow-up questions
What five small deposits would feel natural this week?
Which one is easiest? Which hardest?
What does your partner most notice, when you do small things?
Where would a week of this show up in your body?
Alternative phrasings
If five is too many, we start with three.
If this feels artificial at first — it often does; it becomes natural after a week.
Warnings
- ⚠️ Small things matter more than big ones. A daily coffee in bed > a one-off expensive gift.
Source: Gottman J. 1994; Gottman J. 1999
Materials are informational and educational and summarize publicly available scientific sources. They are not medical or psychological advice, are not intended for self-diagnosis or self-treatment, and do not replace consultation with a qualified professional.