A regular check of the three attachment questions: accessibility, responsiveness, engagement. Helps the couple monitor the state of the emotional connection.
Step-by-step guide
- Explain A.R.E.: "Three questions that your relationship asks every day"
- A — Accessibility: "Can I reach you? Are you accessible?"
- R — Responsiveness: "Do you respond to my needs? Do you hear?"
- E — Engagement: "Are you engaged? Are you emotionally with me?"
- Ask each to rate (1–10): "How much do you feel A, R, E this week?"
- Discuss: what affects the rating? What is needed to lift it by one point?
When to use
- As the start of every session
- As homework for regular monitoring
Key phrases
Three questions that your relationship asks every day.
Follow-up questions
Can I reach you? Are you accessible?
Do you respond to my needs? Do you hear?
Are you engaged? Are you emotionally with me?
How much do you feel A, R, E this week?
Warnings
- ⚠️ Different ratings are not a problem, but information
- ⚠️ Do not compare — inquire
Source: Johnson, S. (2008). Hold Me Tight
Materials are informational and educational and summarize publicly available scientific sources. They are not medical or psychological advice, are not intended for self-diagnosis or self-treatment, and do not replace consultation with a qualified professional.