Redefining the conflict as an attachment question: "You are not fighting about the dishes — you are both asking: are you there? Do I matter to you?"
Step-by-step guide
- Listen to both sides of the conflict — the content (dishes, money, children)
- Switch to the process: "Let us step away from the content. What stands behind this conflict, really?"
- Reframe: "You are both asking the same question: 'Are you there? Are you with me? Can I rely on you?'"
- Explain A.R.E.: accessibility, responsiveness, engagement
- Ask each one: "When you feel that the partner is accessible — what is that like?"
- Normalize: "This is not weakness. The need for closeness is biological, like the need for air"
When to use
- At the de-escalation stage (step 4)
- When the couple gets stuck in the content of the conflict
Key phrases
Let us step away from the content. What stands behind this conflict, really?
Follow-up questions
You are both asking the same question: 'Are you there? Are you with me? Can I rely on you?'
When you feel that the partner is accessible — what is that like?
This is not weakness. The need for closeness is biological, like the need for air.
Warnings
- ⚠️ If the reframing sounds like a lecture — stop. It must be emotional, not intellectual
Source: Johnson, S. (2008). Hold Me Tight
Materials are informational and educational and summarize publicly available scientific sources. They are not medical or psychological advice, are not intended for self-diagnosis or self-treatment, and do not replace consultation with a qualified professional.