Drawing on Heidegger, van Deurzen distinguishes authentic from inauthentic existence. Inauthenticity is "das Man" ("people say so", "everyone does it") — a life lived by someone else's script. This is not a moral flaw but an existential trap in which the person loses authorship of their life. Therapy helps the client distinguish: where they live "their own" life and where they obey outside pressure. Authenticity is understood not as a final state, but as an ongoing process.
Step-by-step guide
- Inquire into the client's decisions, choices, way of life: which of these did they choose themselves, consciously?
- Identify "das Man" patterns: "I do this because it is the done thing / everyone does it / my parents said so"
- Help the client to feel the difference: when do they feel like "themselves" and when do they "play a role"
- Inquire into the fears connected with an authentic choice: what does the client fear if they "step out of line"
- Support small steps toward a more authentic life — without revolution, but with a shift
When to use
- With the sense "I am not living my own life"
- When working with perfectionism, people-pleasing, dependence on approval
- In identity crises — "who am I really?"
- Under stress from a mismatch with one's own values
- At pivotal life decisions, where others' expectations are pressing
Key phrases
Is this your choice or what was expected of you? What happens inside when you do this — do you feel like yourself?
Follow-up questions
If you did not need to please anyone — what would you choose?
Whose life are you living?
When was the last time you did something because you wanted it — and not because you had to?
Alternative phrasings
If we imagine that tomorrow no one expects anything of you — how would you live this day?
Warnings
- ⚠️ The notion of authenticity does not mean selfishness or ignoring others — it is important to convey this distinction
- ⚠️ Do not create the illusion that the "real me" is some hidden true "self"; authenticity is a process, not a final state
- ⚠️ The fear of standing out from expectations is a real fear of social exclusion; do not devalue it
Source: van Deurzen E. 1997, 2002, 2012; Heidegger via van Deurzen
Materials are informational and educational and summarize publicly available scientific sources. They are not medical or psychological advice, are not intended for self-diagnosis or self-treatment, and do not replace consultation with a qualified professional.