Van Deurzen sees human existence as fundamentally paradoxical: each dimension of life contains irreducible polarities (life/death, freedom/necessity, closeness/loneliness, certainty/doubt). Working with paradox helps the client to find authenticity instead of fixation on one pole. A paradox is not a trap, but a structure that holds both poles of reality and gives greater flexibility and viability.
Step-by-step guide
- Identify the pole on which the client is "stuck" (for example, only closeness — fear of loneliness)
- Name both poles: "So for you there is closeness, and there is. what?"
- Inquire what happens when the client "visits" the other pole: what do they meet there?
- Help to hold both poles at the same time, without removing the tension between them
- Find a wider position that includes both poles as part of the fullness of life
When to use
- In black-and-white thinking — "either this way or no way"
- In perfectionism and narcissistic patterns
- In addictions — fixation on one pole (pleasure without pain)
- In relationship crises — "either complete merging or rupture"
- When working with ambivalence and the fear of contradictions
Key phrases
You say that you only want closeness. And what does the opposite — loneliness — mean for you? Have you ever truly been alone with yourself?
Follow-up questions
Is it possible at the same time to love a person and be angry with them?
You strive for certainty, avoiding doubts. But what could doubt tell you?
Life contains both these poles. What changes if you stop fighting one of them?
Alternative phrasings
It looks as if you are always on one side of the seesaw. And the other side — does it exist? What is there?
Warnings
- ⚠️ Do not turn the paradox into abstract philosophy — always come back to the client's concrete experience
- ⚠️ In acute anxiety, work with paradox requires stability — first stabilization
- ⚠️ Do not create artificial paradoxes where there are none; follow the client's material
Source: van Deurzen E. 1998/2015 (Paradox and Passion); 2002, 2012
Materials are informational and educational and summarize publicly available scientific sources. They are not medical or psychological advice, are not intended for self-diagnosis or self-treatment, and do not replace consultation with a qualified professional.