A deep inquiry into the fundamental difference (the theme) between the partners: where it comes from, how it was formed, why it matters to each.
Step-by-step guide
- Name the theme: "It seems to me that your central theme is [closeness vs autonomy]"
- Ask each one: "Where does this need come from? How did it form?"
- Inquire into the history: family, past relationships, life experience
- Help each one see: "This is not a whim — it is part of your personality"
- Ask: "Can you see why for the partner their pole matters just as much?"
- Reframe: "Both poles are valuable. The difficulty is in how you bring them together"
When to use
- At the start of therapy to build the formulation
- When the couple gets stuck in 'who is right'
Key phrases
Your central theme seems to be [closeness vs autonomy].
Follow-up questions
Where does this need come from? How did it form?
This is not a whim — it is part of your personality.
Both poles are valuable. The difficulty is in how you bring them together.
Warnings
- ⚠️ The inquiry into history can be painful
- ⚠️ Do not delve into individual trauma in a couple session — refer to individual therapy
Source: Jacobson, N. & Christensen, A. (1996)
Materials are informational and educational and summarize publicly available scientific sources. They are not medical or psychological advice, are not intended for self-diagnosis or self-treatment, and do not replace consultation with a qualified professional.