Instead of looking for a solution we acknowledge the reality of the pain and ask: how do you keep going at all? This shows the resources and competencies of the client even in the bleakest situation. Often used at the lower end of the scale (0–3).
Step-by-step guide
- Hear the description of a hard situation (suicidal thoughts, severe pain, crisis)
- Do not rush with advice or reassurance
- Ask a coping question
- Listen carefully — there are already resources in the answer
- Develop: "What else? Who helps you? What do you enjoy, despite everything?"
- Strengthen the awareness: "It is amazing that you are doing all this. Where do you draw your strength from?"
When to use
- When the client is in a hard state and cannot find exceptions or imagine a miracle
- Suicidal risk, self-harming behavior
- Depression, anhedonia (the absence of pleasure)
- Trauma, PTSD
- Acute grief
- Chronic pain, incurable illness
- Poverty, social exclusion
Key phrases
How do you manage to cope with this day after day?
What helps you keep going, despite all this?
How do you manage to stay alive, despite this pain?
What is holding you? What is stopping you?
Follow-up questions
What do you do to keep the situation from getting even worse?
How do you help yourself?
What do you enjoy, despite all this?
Who helps you? How do they help?
It is amazing that you are doing all this. Where do you draw your strength from?
Alternative phrasings
What does not kill you makes you stronger. What, even in this situation, helps you survive?
Is there even a minute in the day when the pain eases a little?
Who would say that you are managing this so well? Whose support do you need?
Even if it never changes, how could you live with it better?
Warnings
- ⚠️ Do not replace standard SFBT with this — with suicidal thoughts, a safety assessment comes first
- ⚠️ Do not minimize the pain — "As you can see, it is not that bad" — would be insulting
- ⚠️ Listen to the answers carefully — the client often reveals what helps them survive (an animal, a friend, creativity, nature)
Source: de Shazer, later developed in BRIEF (Ratner, George, Iveson) and the Bruges Model
Materials are informational and educational and summarize publicly available scientific sources. They are not medical or psychological advice, are not intended for self-diagnosis or self-treatment, and do not replace consultation with a qualified professional.