Training in recognizing small requests for emotional connection and in the skill of "turning toward the partner" instead of "turning away" or "turning against".
Step-by-step guide
- Explain the concept: "Look at the sunset!" is not about the sunset — it is "are you with me?"
- Give the statistics: happy couples — 86% turning toward, divorcing couples — 33%
- Ask them to recall this morning: were there bids? What happened?
- Show the three reactions: turning toward, turning away, turning against
- Ask each to identify their typical bids and typical reactions
- Assignment: this week, notice 3 of the partner's bids and turn toward them
When to use
- When the couple complains of distance, "parallel lives", lack of interest in each other
Key phrases
Much of the relationship lives in tiny moments — a "look at this", a sigh, a half-sentence. Happy couples answer these 86% of the time. We are going to start noticing the ones you miss — not to scold, but to turn toward more.
Follow-up questions
Was there a bid in the last twenty-four hours that you did not notice?
Which of your bids most often goes unanswered?
What would turning toward look like — the smallest version?
What makes turning toward feel expensive, in the tired moments?
Alternative phrasings
Bids can be silent — a hand on the table, a sigh.
Turning toward can be silent too — eye contact is enough.
Warnings
- ⚠️ Bids are often very subtle — a sigh, a glance, a showing-you-something. Help the couple see the invisible.
Source: Gottman J. & DeClaire J. 2001 — The Relationship Cure
Materials are informational and educational and summarize publicly available scientific sources. They are not medical or psychological advice, are not intended for self-diagnosis or self-treatment, and do not replace consultation with a qualified professional.