Helping the couple see that the partner's "problematic" trait also has a positive side. His silence is not indifference, but caution. Her insistence is not control, but care.
Step-by-step guide
- Identify the "problem" trait: what exactly is irritating?
- Ask: "Are there situations when this trait helps? When you like it?"
- Help to see the other side: "His caution — is exactly what makes him reliable"
- Ask: "If they were the complete opposite — would that suit you?"
- Help to formulate: "I chose this person partly for this trait"
- Homework: in the week, notice a moment when the "problem" trait helped
When to use
- When the partner is fixated on the negative aspects of a trait
- When perspective needs to be widened
Key phrases
Are there situations when this trait helps? When you like it?
Follow-up questions
His caution — is exactly what makes him reliable.
If they were the complete opposite — would that suit you?
I chose this person partly for this trait.
Warnings
- ⚠️ Do not devalue the pain — first acknowledge that the trait really does create difficulty, and only then widen the view
Source: Jacobson, N. & Christensen, A. (1996)
Materials are informational and educational and summarize publicly available scientific sources. They are not medical or psychological advice, are not intended for self-diagnosis or self-treatment, and do not replace consultation with a qualified professional.