A special method for working with guilt, resentment, regret. Längle distinguishes forgiveness of another and forgiveness of oneself (regret). Both processes require phenomenological living-through — one cannot "decide" to forgive, bypassing the experience. Forgiveness is understood as an act of personal freedom — "not for their sake, for one's own". The method was first presented as a separate technique in a keynote at the FETE conference in 2024.
Step-by-step guide
- (Forgiveness of another) Describe the violation in detail — what happened, how it affected you
- Assess the "weight" of this — how important it is for you now, with time
- Phenomenologically live the pain, anger, resentment — give them place, do not leave
- Find a position toward the person — apart from their act
- (Regret) Acknowledge your role, live the shame and guilt, find the humanity in the act, take a step toward redress or acceptance
When to use
- With chronic guilt, unfinished resentments
- In relationships where "something remains" — an unfinished story
- With the inability to move forward because of old wounds
- When working with self-blame and shame
Key phrases
Forgiveness is not the justification of what the person did. It is an act of freedom for you yourself. Are you ready to inquire into what it means for you to carry this resentment — and what it would mean not to carry it?
Follow-up questions
If you could look at this person apart from what they did.
What do you feel when you think about this act — your own?
What needs to happen inside you so that this becomes past?
Alternative phrasings
Is there a difference between "to forgive" and "to accept that this happened"? Which of these seems possible to you?
If you are holding this resentment — what does it protect? What would happen if you let it go?
Warnings
- ⚠️ Forgiveness is not a mandatory result of therapy; one cannot push the client toward forgiveness before they have lived the resentment
- ⚠️ Regret (forgiveness of oneself) requires first the acknowledgment of the fact — do not skip this step
- ⚠️ Do not mix forgiveness and reconciliation — forgiveness is possible without resuming the relationship
Source: Längle A. 2024, 2013
Materials are informational and educational and summarize publicly available scientific sources. They are not medical or psychological advice, are not intended for self-diagnosis or self-treatment, and do not replace consultation with a qualified professional.