← Techniques

Paradoxes and Polarities (van Deurzen)

Paradoxes and Polarities (van Deurzen)
Yalom's Existential Psychotherapy (Yalom)
🛡️ Mastery 🧠 Cognition

Life is arranged through unresolvable paradoxes: life–death, freedom–limits, loneliness–closeness, meaning–meaninglessness. Van Deurzen shows that the attempt to choose one pole and get rid of the other leads to neurotic narrowing. Integrating both poles is not a compromise but the capacity to hold the tension of opposites and to live in it. This is a mature stance.

Step-by-step guide

  1. Identify the polarity: "You say 'either–or'. Let's look at both poles"
  2. Explore each pole separately: what is in this one? what in the other?
  3. Offer the paradox: "What if both poles are yours? What if you don't need to choose?"
  4. Explore the possibility of holding both at the same time without destruction
  5. Support the client's ability to live in the tension rather than resolve it

When to use

  • Being stuck in "either–or" dilemmas
  • Impossible choices (career or family, freedom or safety)
  • Ambivalence perceived as pathology
  • A conflict of values that cannot be resolved
  • The client demands that the therapist "give an answer"

Key phrases

What if you don't need to choose? What if both sides are yours, and both are true?

Follow-up questions

What is in each of the poles — what of value, what of importance?
Can you live with both sides at once — in the tension?
What would happen if you stopped trying to resolve this conflict?

Alternative phrasings

"Life–death, closeness–loneliness — these opposites are not to be solved. They are to be held."

Warnings

  • ⚠️ Do not use as a way to avoid a real decision that the client must make
  • ⚠️ Ambivalence is not always maturity — sometimes it is avoidance
  • ⚠️ Do not impose "paradoxical thinking" on a client who is ready for a concrete decision

Source: van Deurzen, 2002 — Existential Counselling and Psychotherapy in Practice; van Deurzen, 2010 — Everyday Mysteries

ambivalence choice paradox conflict integration values polarities

Similar techniques

ACT
ACT Matrix
ACT Matrix
Kevin Polk's four-quadrant model that makes the client's movements visible. The horizontal axis is t…
PST
ADAPT — Attitude–Define–Alternatives–Predict–Try
ADAPT — Attitude–Define–Alternatives–Predict–Try
A Problem-Solving Therapy technique focused on adapt — attitude–define–alternatives–predict–try. It …
MI
Affirming Change Talk (EARS)
Affirming Change Talk (EARS)
EARS is the strategy for working with change talk once heard: Elaborating, Affirming, Reflecting, Su…
Kids' Skills
Agreeing on the Skill to Learn
Agreeing on the Skill to Learn
A Kids' Skills intervention: Agreeing on the Skill to Learn. It turns a child's difficulty into a le…
REBT
Anti-Awfulizing / De-Catastrophizing
Anti-Awfulizing / De-Catastrophizing
A specialized form of disputing aimed at the belief "this is awful" (awfulizing). Ellis argued that …
Adlerian
Anti-Suggestion Technique
Anti-Suggestion Technique
When a client systematically devalues their successes or sabotages progress, the therapist predicts …
Materials are informational and educational and summarize publicly available scientific sources. They are not medical or psychological advice, are not intended for self-diagnosis or self-treatment, and do not replace consultation with a qualified professional.