Teaching the skill of stopping conflict escalation through repair actions, and the skill of accepting repair attempts from the partner.
Step-by-step guide
- Explain: happy couples are not distinguished by the absence of conflicts, but by the capacity to repair them
- Ask: "How do you usually make up? Who makes the first step?"
- Offer a list of repair phrases: "Let's stop", "Sorry", "I need a break"
- Underline: a repair works only if the other ACCEPTS it
- Practice both roles: who repairs and who responds
- Assignment: this week notice your partner's repair attempt and accept it
When to use
- When conflicts escalate quickly, or when one partner rejects attempts to reconcile
Key phrases
Conflict without repair is erosion. Conflict with repair is practice. Let's list the repair moves you already use, rank them by which actually land, and agree on one you will both honor this week.
Follow-up questions
Which repair phrase, coming from your partner, gets past your defenses?
Which repair phrase, from you, is most easily missed?
What would it take for a repair to land today, even a small one?
Can we rehearse a repair in the room — a small one?
Alternative phrasings
A touch, a phrase, or a shared joke — repair comes in many shapes.
If repair is rejected, we study the rejection, not blame the rejector.
Warnings
- ⚠️ Train both: the one who repairs and the one who accepts. Rejection of repair is a strong predictor of divorce.
Source: Gottman J. 1999; Gottman J. & Gottman J. S. 2015
Materials are informational and educational and summarize publicly available scientific sources. They are not medical or psychological advice, are not intended for self-diagnosis or self-treatment, and do not replace consultation with a qualified professional.