A four-step skill for keeping self-respect in interpersonal situations. The focus is on the self: when self-respect matters more than the relationship. It includes fairness to oneself (not only to the other), refusing unnecessary apologies for one's own rights, fidelity to one's values, and honesty without exaggeration.
Step-by-step guide
- F — Fair: be fair to yourself and to the other — equal respect
- A — Apologies (no excess): do not apologize for what you have a right to
- S — Stick to values: do not sacrifice values for approval
- T — Truthful: speak the truth, do not exaggerate or minimize
When to use
- When you risk losing yourself in the relationship
- When you are being manipulated or pressured
- In low self-esteem and a tendency to endless concession
- In boundary violations
Key phrases
If self-respect matters more — use FAST. Be fair to yourself, do not apologize without reason, hold to your values, be honest
Follow-up questions
What do you want to say if you take the apologies and the concessions out?
Which of your values is at stake right now?
What would a self-respecting person do in this situation?
Alternative phrasings
Picture someone you respect. How would they act?
What will you lose if you agree? What will you gain?
Warnings
- ⚠️ Do not confuse FAST with harshness — it is about respect, not opposition
- ⚠️ In combination with GIVE and DEAR MAN it lets you balance goal, relationship, and self-respect
- ⚠️ With strong dependence on approval, prior values work is needed
Source: Linehan, M. M. (1993, 2015)
Materials are informational and educational and summarize publicly available scientific sources. They are not medical or psychological advice, are not intended for self-diagnosis or self-treatment, and do not replace consultation with a qualified professional.