Managers are proactive Protectors who try to prevent an exile's pain from arising. They work constantly: they criticize, control, plan, please, avoid, perfect. The aim of the work is to establish a trusting relationship through the Self, to acknowledge the protective intent, and to find the Exile behind them. Managers usually do not trust the client's Self: "you won't cope without me".
Step-by-step guide
- Find a Manager via a trailhead: critic, perfectionism, control, pleasing — these are often Managers
- Walk through 6F: Find → Focus → Flesh Out → Feel Toward → beFriend
- Thank the Manager: "How long have they been doing this work? What would it be like without them?"
- Ask about the fear (the Fear step): "What are you afraid would happen if you stopped controlling / criticizing?"
- The answer points to the Exile: "I am afraid you will fall apart", "I am afraid you will be rejected"
- Ask for permission: "If I show you that this pain can be healed, will you let me speak with the one you are protecting?"
- After work with the Exile — return to the Manager: show that the pain is gone, ask about a new role
When to use
- With complaints about the inner critic, perfectionism, procrastination, worry about the future
- With avoidant behavior, difficulty with closeness, controlling behavior
- With complaints about "shoulds" and a sense of constant tension
- When working with anxiety disorders
Key phrases
This part that criticizes you so much — it is clearly working very hard. Can we thank it for that and ask: what is it afraid would happen if it did not criticize?
Follow-up questions
How long has it been doing this work?
What is it afraid would happen if it stopped?
What would it want to do, if it did not have to work this way?
Alternative phrasings
Try thanking it — not for being right, but for working so hard to protect you.
Warnings
- ⚠️ Do not try to "convince" the Manager with arguments — this only strengthens it
- ⚠️ Do not work with the Exile until the Manager has granted permission
- ⚠️ Managers are often polarized with each other — pick one and start there
Source: Schwartz R.C. 1995, 2021
Materials are informational and educational and summarize publicly available scientific sources. They are not medical or psychological advice, are not intended for self-diagnosis or self-treatment, and do not replace consultation with a qualified professional.