A seven-step skill for effectively asserting your needs and getting the desired result. The focus is on the goal: when the result matters more than the relationship. It structures the request: an objective description of the situation, expression of feelings, a direct request, an explanation of the benefit, staying on topic, a confident appearance, and readiness to negotiate.
Step-by-step guide
- D — Describe: 1–2 sentences about the situation, only facts without judgment
- E — Express: your feelings and view, using "I"-statements
- A — Assert: state the request or refusal DIRECTLY, without hints
- R — Reinforce: explain why this is good for both — briefly
- M — Mindful: stay on topic, do not get sidetracked into other complaints
- A — Appear confident: a steady voice, eye contact, an upright back
- N — Negotiate: be ready to compromise on details while keeping the principle
When to use
- When you need a concrete result
- When asking for help, time, resources
- When you have to say "no" or hold a boundary
- In work, family, and friendship relationships
Key phrases
Want to be heard? Use DEAR MAN: describe objectively, express the feelings, say what you need directly, explain why, stay on topic, look confident
Follow-up questions
What do you want to ask for — concretely?
How can you put it without blame?
What compromise would be acceptable to you?
Alternative phrasings
Let us rehearse DEAR MAN: what will you say in the first sentence?
Write your DEAR MAN script for this situation
Warnings
- ⚠️ Do not apply it during physical violence or coercive control — safety first
- ⚠️ In social anxiety it requires preparation and rehearsal
- ⚠️ It requires a balance of confidence and safety
Source: Linehan, M. M. (1993, 2015)
Materials are informational and educational and summarize publicly available scientific sources. They are not medical or psychological advice, are not intended for self-diagnosis or self-treatment, and do not replace consultation with a qualified professional.